All His Pain
by Momy2ElmoFriend2
Summary: Wincest, been warned, my view why Sam left, season 1 spoiler, different outcome, Sam with different powers, hurt/sam, protective/dean, protective/john, protective/bobby, Don't like don't read, no flames, first fanfic, be gentle r&r, hope you like.
1. Chapter 1

**STORY CONTENT: This does go back about how I think the big fight happened that lead to Sam leaving, and the reason behind why I would like to think he left. Also there are spoilers for season 1, but changing how getting back into the fight affected Sam. Sam's powers will develop differently. **

**Please enjoy people, there is angst, Wincest Sam/Dean, hurt/Sam, protective/Dean, protective/John, protective/Bobby. **

**Rated MA for adult content. **

**Sorry summary not so great hope the story is better, I don't go word for word off of episodes I know all who read have most likely already seen.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything supernatural, just story for fun, and definitely not getting any compensation for it. **

**WARNING: Wincest folks, don't like don't read, please don't flame, you've been warned so reading after this point shows that you may like it a little more than you want to admit. Any other R&R's are welcome, this is my first fanfic, so try not to be too rough please.**

**CHAPTER 1**

**Sam - 16 yo**

There was Dean, so perfect, always talented with combat training, his fighting skills, killing all things evil. The perfect soldier, never asked questions, always followed orders. Sam wasn't like that, they were as different as night and day. Dad had always called Dean his little soldier and Sam his little wonderer. Sam would have to know the why of things, figure out the puzzle in everything, wanted explanations and reasons. Needed all the crazy things that they did to make sense.

This was the cause of all the arguments in the house as of late, he never was trying to be confrontational, it just sort of happened. He always felt like he wasn't good enough, that his opinion never mattered, chastised for his curiosity.

He had wondered so many times if he had taken after his mother. Having only seen her in pictures, his father and brother never spoke of her. It was kind of an unwritten rule in the Winchester family, they were so dead set about avenging her death and had expected the youngest of their family to follow suit, no questions asked. But how do you not ask questions when you don't exactly understand what the reason is you are fighting.

He was upset to not have a mother, but he had Dean, and wasn't Dean like a mother. Dean was everything, he was a brother, a father (because his dad was always off somewhere fighting evil) a friend, a protector and so much more.

Kids would often tease him growing up about not having a mom and tell him how screwed up he was because of his crazy-ass brother and his drunk wayward father. But Sam had never known her, yes he wanted his mom, wanted them to be normal, but never missed her the way his dad or Dean did.

Sam had always felt that he should share his feelings, that things didn't get worked out if they weren't discussed. But being a Winchester, that was never an option. His father was closed off, that was always how Sam had known him, his brother would always complain of chick-flick moments, and usually call Sam a girl for sharing or caring.

So this was the reason Sam had started learning how to close off his feelings. Building the walls his family so expertly housed around him. But these walls that Sam tried to build were never strong enough, he knew if his family had known of his secret, they would disown him forever. Be disgusted by the youngest Winchester, their baby who had gone so far off the way they lived, he was in another time zone.

Sam had been interested in girls, kind of hard not to with a big brother like Dean. 'Hormone on legs', he would always tease his big brother, to which he was just get that classic Dean smirk. Sam was starting to notice just how fluid like Dean was, when hunting, so precise, when hitting on girls, so confident. Even when he was hurt he had a certain flare to him, that was just so Dean, tended to make hero worship of his older brother that much easier.

A few months ago, Sam had been lying on his bed in the small apartment their father had rented for the boys while he was off on another hunt. Sam was reading over his history homework, when Dean had walked in. He was wearing only a towel hung loosely around his hips, still glistening from his shower. He was getting ready to go out on a date, also hustle some pool, all Sam could do was stare. He hadn't realized how perfect Dean was, the way his muscles were so taut over his chest, how they smoothed down perfectly towards his abdomen, the golden color to his skin just playing off all its intricacy in the low bedroom light.

He hadn't even realized he had been looking so long until Dean spoke up, "Take a picture little brother, last longer."

Sam looked up in shock, "Shut up, I wasn't looking" he said with an indignant look on his face.

Dean laughed, "Yeah whatever, listen don't wait up for me, it'll be late before I get back, or early", he raised an eyebrow, with a nasty smirk on his face.

"Whatever, just leave already so I can get my homework done", Sam couldn't stop blushing, he was embarrassed for Dean catching, him but more angry with himself for looking so long, that just gave Dean fuel to tease him.

Later that night, Sam had been tossing and turning in a fitful sleep, visions of Dean's body haunted him. _Dean was standing in front of the dresser in his towel, when he had turned and caught Sam staring. Dean turned and started walking slowly over to Sam's bed, asking his little brother "Like what you see?" All Sam could do was nod, mouth agape, eyes focused on all that perfection. Dean sat on the side of his bed, reaching a hand up and gently touching Sam's chest, trailing fingers along with a feeling of fire burning a trail after them, Sam's breath hitched in his chest. _

_"I like what I see too little brother" was the all he could hear. Sam closed his eyes, just basking in the feel of Dean, the smell that was so much his brother. He could feel hands all over, so gentle, caring, telling all the needed just with his big brothers touch. He opened his eyes to look back at his brother and saw the deep lust in his eyes. The looked on as Dean closed the distance, then soft touch of lips to his own. After what felt like a lifetime, Dean then started trailing kisses down his neck and along his chest. _

_This was taking Sam out of his own mind, how could anything feel this good. His breathing had become so fast and a sudden feeling of ecstasy had washed over him_, then Sam opened his eyes, blinking into the dark. 'What the hell' he thought 'that was a dream', his heart was racing, his entire body shaking, he had sounded like he'd just run a marathon.

Trying to calm himself and coming to the realization that it was Dean who had elicited these feelings in him, Sam had noticed that his boxer shorts were sticky. With a look of total shock and disgust, he pulled back the material to stare at the offending substance. He had just had a WET dream about his big brother, "Oh man", Sam jumped up ran to the bathroom stripped down and jumped into the shower.

He was never more thankful than now that he was alone, what if he had screamed out his brother's name while he was sleeping. Oh yeah Dean would really let him live that down. Even thinking this, Sam was noticing how thoughts from his dream still etched their way into his waking moments. This was causing a tingling sensation in his lower belly, suddenly he realized what he was doing. He started shaking his head trying to rid these thoughts from him, "Come on damn it, this is my older brother, what the hell is wrong with me"

Then the thought struck him that Dean probably wouldn't even find this funny, wouldn't tease Sam, he would be disgusted, horrified that his little brother had even thought of him that way. And what would his dad say, oh no, no, no, no, no, Sam could never let anyone know of this dream. Not in a million years, after showering he changed his clothes, and did his best to clean up the problem from his dirty boxers. Then hid them away in the dirty cloths, thinking that if someone found them they could tell right away that the wet dream he had, was caused because of his brother. Stupid thinking he knew this but didn't change the paranoia surrounding this horror.

After settling back in bed, Sam was finally able to drift back off to sleep. Dean had come home sometime in the night, and was sleeping in the bed next to Sam when he woke up, Sam had automatically felt dirty, guilty and had to get out of the room. For the next few days, he had tried to avoid Dean at all cost, every time Dean had asked in growing concern if he was ok, Sam would just say "Yeah I'm fine" and head off somewhere else in their apartment, with excuses of homework or chores to do.

After a few days things got back to normal, then Sam had started noticing that Dean almost seemed to be flirting with him. He would hover over him a little too long when he was checking over Sam's school work or unnecessarily brush past him when he would walk by. It was never in anger or teasing, this was starting to leave Sam very confused. Sam had still been having wet dreams about his brother, he was just figuring that Dean hadn't noticed since he never mentioned anything. He was thankful they weren't as often as they could have been, but cursed the fact that he had them at all. As far as he had known he had never called out Dean's name, at least Dean never said anything, that much at least he was grateful for.

Sam had taken on to staring at Dean when he wasn't watching, his feelings were changing about his older brother and as much as he tried to stop them, he couldn't. He would catch himself starting to day dream about ways he could finally show Dean how he felt. But at least his love for Dean, as his brother, kept him from acting on this. He didn't want to lose Dean, and he knew that if he acted on it or told him, that Dean would never talk to him again. Sam would then have to run away and hide, because he couldn't take the denial or the loss of love he knew would come.

So that was when Sam had made the decision, to go off to college, he had always been trying for college someday. Even though his family would be extremely pissed, he knew the way his love was changing for Dean sealed the deal. He would rather him be mad at him for leaving for school than hate him for being an incestuous bastard and shunning him. So he started talking with counselors at school, and it had been hard, they moved so much he had to keep readjusting his classes, staying late at school to make up lost credits for their frequent moving. But yet he was determined, he was putting so much into school and trying to get a way to pay for and get into college that the fighting had started full blast.

His father was angry that Sam wasn't spending more time training, helping with research that they were always at each others throats. Sam had no way to tell his father _'Dad you don't understand I have to do this'_. Dean always seemed to be in the middle, trying to referee. This was killing Sam, but he knew he had to play off this somehow if he didn't than his secret would be out. He hated having to use his big brother this way, it often made him sick to his stomach. But he soon realized that in doing so, it was easier and easier to distance himself and be able to live with his decision about leaving.

**Sam - 17yo**

Over the next year and a half he worked hard, and applied for a full ride to Stanford, he had dreamed of becoming an attorney. It seemed crazy but Sam couldn't stand to see injustice in any form. Whether it was from evil or just the plain old human variety. So he set about his plans with his counselors from school, and worked out for an interviewer to come see him. This was definitely a time when he was glad that Dean was no longer in his school or had any contacts at school that could look out for Sam.

Dean had a tendency to do that always watching out for his kid brother, this would tend to have its drawbacks. After an outstanding interview, and some excellent references from teachers, with remarkable grades, Sam had won the full ride to Stanford. He worked with the school counselor setting up housing and work-study program and even worked on transportation to school. Everything he did had him that much closer to relief of getting away from his dirty secret, and keeping his family from the pain he would inflict if they found out.

But it hurt so much with everything he did, it all hurt, he couldn't stop the constant pit in his stomach. The ache in his heart, he was leaving, he was leaving Dean, the one person who no matter what was always there for him. Dean had been his only constant, his reason for so many things he had done in his life. But that would change soon, he just had to find a way to tell them, this was his nightmare. He knew by doing this he would destroy Dean, yeah he knew his dad would be mad ok homicidal, but Dean may not get through this. But Sam knew he definitely would not get over having a freak for a brother, so this was what needed to be done.

**Sam - 18yo**

It started out as good a day as any, but the daunting task of telling his family had to be done today, he had put it off too long, the bus would be there to pick him up in the morning. He figured that if he waited until the day before that they couldn't stop him and wouldn't be able to talk him out of it. Talk yeah right, Sam was not foolish enough to believe there would be any talking, only screaming and yelling. So with a look of determination, he walked into the living room to face his family. It was still early afternoon, Dean was on the couch watching TV and his father was at the table reading over some old books about poltergeists and writing into his journal.

"Dad, umm, can I talk with you for a minute?" Sam had asked cautiously but with a surety to his voice. He didn't want to be looking like a coward for this decision, which is exactly how he felt at the moment. His hands were shaking and his whole body had broken out in a sweat and was pretty sure he was at least 4 shades paler than he was this morning.

His dad just looked up from his book for a second and eyed his youngest then went back to his reading saying "Yeah, whatcha need Sam?"

This had irritated Sam to no end, of course his father couldn't take the time to stop in his hunt for the demon to listen to what he had to say, with a wave of nausea, he pressed on.

"Dad I was needing to talk to you about school." he had hoped this might elicit the attention he was needing for this conversation. But once again his father kept up with his work and just stated "What about school?"

Sam felt like his insides were about to burst, he had gone over this conversation in his head for the last year, and never found a way to start it off. But he was being pressed for time, he had to get on that bus in the morning if he didn't than he would miss out on registration for his classes and into his dorm housing.

"Well you know I have been trying real hard to keep my grades high, and umm, I have been taking a few extra classes in my spare time at school, classes that will help me to get into a good college." Sam knew that this time he would catch his fathers attention.

John had stopped what he was doing and looked resigned, _'Not another damn argument about college, does this kid never learn' _he looked up from his work to Sam, and noted how nervous his son seemed. He knew his son was getting ready to start a doozy of an argument. "I thought we talked about this Sam, your not going to college, it's not safe." With this he looked back at his work, hoping that the order he just stated would suffice, but knowing down deep it wouldn't. If it were Dean this wouldn't be a problem, but Sam was a whole other universe in himself.

Once again feeling like he had been gut punched by what his father had said to him, Sam had steeled himself for what he was about to say. He noticed out of the corner of his eye, that Dean had turned off the TV and was watching intently at the two other Winchesters, standing guard for when he needed to intervene. "Dad you don't get to make that choice for me, it's my life, and I am going to college!" He didn't mean to raise his voice, but he was getting angry, what right did his father have to say in his future, he was an adult now and he knew he needed to do this.

"I AM YOUR FATHER, that is what GIVES me the RIGHT Sam to say what you will and will NOT do!" John could no longer pretend to go back to his books he was trying not to get furious with his son, he knew Sam always wanted to be normal. But Sam didn't know what John had known about his little boys destiny, and John didn't want to tell him. He would protect him from it as long as he possibly could, but he couldn't protect him if he left the family.

"NO, Not this time, this is my future dad, I'm going to college I have a full ride to Stanford, I worked hard and got in on my own, your not going to keep me from this, NOT THIS TIME!" Sam knew he was no longer pale he could feel the heat radiating from his face, his entire body shook, he was no longer scared he was livid. He wasn't going to be bullied out of this, there was too much at stake.

"What do you mean a full ride, the only way you could have done that is going behind my back and disobeying my orders! When the hell were you going to tell me about this, YOUR NOT GOING SAM AND THAT'S FINAL!" John was on his feet, standing head to head with his youngest. He couldn't believe it, yeah he knew Sam was smart but this kind of thing had to have taking him months of planning and scheming. This wouldn't be allowed, no way was he sending his baby boy off to his death. The demon would have free reign on him if he wasn't protected.

In the background Sam had seen Dean come up off the couch the same time that John had shot up, he had seen the look of pain on Dean's face, he was pale ghost-like, and it almost killed Sam. But he knew he had to continue.

"I want normal dad, this isn't normal, what we do isn't normal, I'm a freak. I spend my days learning how to use weapons, strategize against my opponents, research into the supernatural. I am fighting a battle I never wanted to be a part of, I want out, I don't want this life anymore, living in motels, eating in diners, never staying in one place for more than a month. That's not how you raise a family, dad I'm leaving, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!" Sam was standing his ground on this, he wouldn't back down from his father, he had shot up quite a bit in the last few years and finally taller than the man. But John Winchester was still in a league of his own.

John couldn't believe what he was hearing, "You may not want to be a part of this fight, but you are just like the rest of us, and you need to do your part and stop slacking. If you spent as much time devoted to helping your brother and I out as you did into getting into that DAMN college, then maybe you'd be able to accept this life better. Sorry to tell you Sammy, but this is your normal, and you aren't getting out that damn door, I would like to see you try!"

John had seen his son edging closer with his anger and he was not going to let his son think he could best him, any of his boys, that wasn't what soldiers did, he was the General they were the troops end of story. He started advancing and with doing that it brought out the 'big-brother protective mode' of Dean.

Dean jumped into the fray placing a hand on both, he was horrified with what was going on his Sammy was leaving him, how could he. But he also couldn't let his dad lose it, he knew his dad would probably tie Sam down if he had to. He knew he wouldn't hurt Sam, his dad never hurt his kids, didn't like to spank at all if he didn't have to, but the emotional damage it would cause his brother would be catastrophic. All Dean had ever done was watch out for Sammy, if Sammy wanted he made sure Sam got. So even though this would tear his heart out, it wasn't Dean's choice it was Sam's, so he would make sure it happened.

"All right everyone needs to calm the hell down now, we're not going to get anywhere if yall keep getting into each other's faces. Now back off, both of you!" he pushed each against the chest just enough to elicit the effect he wanted, 'fighters to your corners'. His brother and father were so much alike it wasn't funny, that was why they were constantly at each others throats. He knew his place he was a soldier and his dad was a General, but so was Sammy. His dad and Sam didn't see this, but Dean did, he had always seen the extraordinary of Sam. It had amazed him the way Sam would think things through, and how amazing he was with all he did school, research, the hunt, life Sam never did anything half-assed. Sam was definitely a General in the making, which was why they were in this situation. But Dean could also see his fathers point of view, it scared the hell out of Dean the thought of Sam leaving.

How would he protect him, how would he keep him safe, he was fighting his own inner battle, but had to put it on the back burner, he would think about the ins and outs later. Both men backed off and Dean had let out his breath, he could still see the two seething at each other. Sam spoke first, quietly "Dad you can't keep me here, I don't belong in this life. I need to get out there and see what else there is, try something different, I am going crazy here. I am dying here, it's not me, I can't keep killing, whether its supernatural or not, it doesn't feel right to me. It eats at me all the time, you know this, the nightmares are too much. I have to go somewhere and find out if there is a way to make this empty feeling I have inside go away. I have to try, please let me try." Sam was looking at his father with pleading eyes, Dean's heart was bleeding all he heard was how his baby brother was dying living with him, how empty he was sharing this life with Dean. But he also heard the rest and wanted a better life for Sam, he always had, that is why he fought so hard to protect him.

John, was torn, he didn't want to deny his boys anything, he really didn't but Sam's safety was more important than this need for normal, he knew he had no choice but to stand his ground. "Sam you're not going and that is final" he turned and went to the table and grabbed his keys and wallet, he needed a drink, hell he needed a whole damn bottle of whiskey to drown in. He felt so damn guilty for denying his son this. What would Mary say, if she saw this, he knew somehow he was disappointing her.

John stopped at the door as Sam had made his final announcement, "I'm leaving tonight dad, this bus takes off at 2 AM, I'm not staying, I'm not." John turned, and looked on to his boys, he saw the pain in Dean's face, his son was being ripped apart. He saw the look of determination on Sam's face, his hands clenched tight in fist, steeling himself up for battle, with that he said "Sam you walk out that door, don't you ever come back, EVER!" and he turned and left out the door. John stormed out to his truck, he wanted so bad to go back and grab his son and tie him down but he knew he couldn't, if Sam wanted to go he would find a way, Sam was nothing if not resourceful. Wasn't he proving that with this argument, he just gripped the steering wheel tightly and spun his tires and drove off to get smashed.

Inside both boys looked on as their father sped away, Sam didn't want to look over at his brother, he couldn't. Dealing with dad was one thing, but the aftermath of dealing with Dean was another. "I'm sorry Dean, I had to, I couldn't tell you cause I knew you would talk me out of it", a single tear had made its way down Sam's face, he wouldn't take his gaze off the front door. "I'm sorry, I hope one day you will forgive me, this had nothing to do with you Dean, I just have to go." He spoke quietly, then turned back towards his bedroom and went to finish packing.

Dean felt as if he couldn't breath, he was leaving tonight, Sam really didn't care about Dean, he couldn't have by not telling him. He only had a few hours with his little brother, and with emotions as they were he knew they wouldn't talk about what was really important. He had so much to say to Sam, he wanted to shake his little brother wanted to scream at him, wanted to tie him down. But this was what Sam wanted, he had gone so far as even walking out the door tonight.

Dean sat back down on the couch and just stared off towards his brothers room. He was lost in his own thoughts, he didn't know how to approach his brother. He just sat and waited, waited for Sam to come to him,_ 'Maybe Sam will come to me'_.

Sam shut the door to his room, then leaned against it, his legs gave out, as he slid down the door towards the floor, the tears were flowing hard. He didn't even try to stem the flow, he just let it happen, he wanted to die with what he did to Dean. The one person he loved more than life itself, the one person he was 'in love with'. After a few minutes he wiped the tears away with his shirt then stood and went to his bags. He didn't have much it wouldn't take long to pack, that was why he had waited till now to do so.

Being on the move so much meant you had to live light, no extra baggage allowed. The one thing that Sam had always fought with his father for was his books, he was always having to give them up before they left. Sam had that thought in his head, 'Well at least now I might be able to own a few and not have to give them to goodwill or sell them at used book shop every few weeks.' He had tried to keep himself distracted with other thoughts while packing but kept coming back to Dean. Dean hadn't even try to come in and talk to him, he was sure that he would be trying hard to not let Dean know the real reason he was leaving.

He was thankful and hurt at the same time, he wanted Dean, wanted him to hold him and tell him everything would be ok, like he always did when Sam was scared. But not this time, he knew he hurt Dean so bad, there may not be any coming back from this. The evening went on and Sam had heard the engine of the Impala start and then drive off into the distance. He had been keeping the tears at bay for a few hours now, but he lost it then. He laid on his bed and cried, wasn't keeping quiet either, just sobbed hard into his pillow. Dean left he didn't even say goodbye, he knew Dean would be at some bar drinking his pain away and it was all Sam's fault. He felt like the biggest scum of the earth, he wanted to crawl in a dirt hole and die.

He had been crying so hard he hadn't heard the Impala come back some 15 minutes later, and hadn't heard the front door or his bedroom door open. He didn't hear his brother walk up to him or feel him sit on the side of his bed, it was when two hands gently grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him over and pull him into an embrace that he realized Dean was there. He had seen Dean's face just before he pulled him close and saw the thick tear tracks, and realized that this was their goodbye. Dean didn't leave him, he came back, he was holding him, he was making it all better. Even though he knew that Dean was in his own pain, he still was looking out for his baby brother.

Dean had held him so tight, and just rocked him, whispering _"Shhh.............it'll be ok Sammy.............you're ok.............I'm here for you" _over and over until Sam's sobs had quieted and was only an occasional hiccup. After a few more minutes, he gently sat Sam back up and used his own shirt sleeve to wipe his face, and wiped his own as well. Then speaking quietly, "I went and got us some dinner, feel like eating something?" Sam just sat there in shock, Dean had done it again, still looking out for him, he nodded quietly, then Dean helped him to stand. He put his arm around Sam's shoulder and guided him to the couch. After setting Sammy down, he proceeded to open the food and place it in front of Sam and get his drink together for him then sat down silently and ate along with Sam. The silence didn't break, after they were finished Dean set about cleaning up their mess, then went to the their bedroom and gathered up Sam's bags. He brought them to the living room and then took them out to the Impala, opening the back door he gently placed them in the back seat, then closed and locked the door. He went back to the house and upon entering saw Sam just staring at him in disbelief.

"What time do you have to be at the bus station?" Dean quietly asked.

"I have to be there at 1:30, to check my bags in." Sam was still trying to figure out what Dean was doing.

"Ok well we'll go to the store and pick up some food for you to take with you, then we'll head out at a quarter to 1, so get your shoes on and let's go." Dean had bent down and picked up Sam's shoes and placed them beside him. And stood and waited for his brother to put them on.

Sam just sat there looking up at Dean, he didn't know what to think, why wasn't Dean yelling at him, why was he helping him to leave, why had Sam misjudged him so much. Dean just let out a sigh and bent down in front of Sam and proceeded to put his shoes on him one at a time, after lacing up his trainers, he looked back up into Sam's face.

Sam finally found the nerve to speak, "Why Dean?"

It was a simple question, but a difficult one to answer, "Cause there is no way in hell I am letting you go out of here without being prepared." Standing Dean then reached his hand out to pull his little brother up, "So you got any money?"

Sam nodded his head, "Um yeah I have about $400 saved up, and should be getting a check after I register for living expenses and books."

Dean cocked his head to the side "Where did you get $400?" At this look, Sam just laughed, "Your not the only one that knows how to hustle at pool and poker Dean."

Dean in shock and confused, "Sam your only 18 how did you manage to get into a bar?"

Again Sam loving the look he was getting from his big brother, laughed, "Nah, no bars, high school."

Dean then let out his own laugh and slapped Sam on the shoulder, "That's my boy, come on let's go."

They boys left to the local grocery store and Dean had stocked Sam up on a few essentials that he could fit into an extra duffel that Dean had, Sam felt bad for taking his duffel but Dean said he could just get another one tomorrow at local pawn shop. After also buying Sam some toiletries, and laundry essentials, they headed out and packed the last duffel for the trip. Dean drove them back to the apartment and they went inside, it was already 12:15 in the morning, so they didn't have much time. Dean had gone through the apartment and helped Sam to make sure he had everything. It was still quiet between the two boys neither knew what to say, Dean then placed a few weapons into Sam's bag along with a huge bag of salt.

Sam looked at him and laughed, "You know it's a good thing I'm taking the bus otherwise I could go to jail for those."

Dean nodded, "Yeah well, like I said I want you prepared, just promise me you'll place salt down, and keep knife under your pillow, and gun with you as much as you can."

"Dean I don't think there is much use for guns on campus, besides I don't want to get kicked out for having weapons." Sam reached up scratching the back of his neck, trying to think what he would do if he got caught.

"Yeah but your a smart college boy now so you'll figure it out, just promise me Sam, just cause your at school I don't want you slacking, got me, otherwise I'll come down there and kick your butt." Dean was looking quite seriously even though he was trying to sound light with this statement.

"Ok, I'll do my best, thanks Dean." with that both boys headed out the door to the Impala, after climbing in and pulling out, the drive to the bus station was just as quiet as the time at home. Once there, Dean helped Sam with his bags, and handed him the one with the food and weapons so Sam could use it as a carry on to keep close with him. Sam checked in then got his bags loaded, then turned to face Dean while holding the other duffel at his feet.

Dean reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, he opened it and pulled out $500, "Here I was gonna give this to dad, I won it last night but you need it more, want you to keep your nose clean at college, don't think it would look good on you if you were hustling." Sam smiled and took the money, he knew Dean could win it back in a few hours, he wasn't worried, and was quite grateful. "Thanks, will probably need it." After tucking they money into his own wallet, he turned back to his brother.

"I'm gonna miss you Dean, I am sorry, I'll call you as soon as I get there ok, just please don't hate me." Sam spoke so soft this last part that Dean almost didn't hear him, he just pulled his brother into a tight hug and said, "No way little brother, never gonna happen, and you bet your ass your gonna call me, I need to know your got there safe and sound all right?" Sam just nodded, doing everything he could not to cry, he held Dean tight and didn't want to let go, it was then the boys heard the bus driver saying they were about to leave. Dean let go of Sam, and handed him his bag, then walked him to the bus. Sam turned to walk onto the bus, and stopped at the first step turned around briefly to look at Dean, then with a smile he proceeded to walk to his seat. Dean followed on the outside of the bus until Sam was seated. Sam situated his bag, then sat down and looked out the window. Both boys just stared at each other, all their unspoken words being expressed by the looks they had now. Each knew what the other was saying, they had been so close that it was easy to tell, goodbye in so many ways.

The next moment the bus started to pull out, Dean raised his hand to give a small thumbs up, Sam did the same, then turned to sit forward as the bus driver pulled onto the main road. Dean watched the only person in his life he ever really cared for leave him, he stayed there for what felt like forever, before finally heading back to the Impala and driving to a bar, he had to go and pick up his dad. He knew he would be shit-faced right now and didn't need to be driving home.

Sam sat forward still not believing he was doing this, he left, he really left, he wasn't with Dean anymore, Dean felt a million miles away already. He couldn't believe how far away home felt right now. Sam and Dean never really had a home they stayed in, that was when Sam had realized that Dean was his home. Where ever Dean was Sam knew he was safe, and loved, and everything would be good. All that went out the window, this was a whole new territory for him. But he was ready to take it on, if it meant not losing his brother forever.

Dean arrived at the bar, sure enough to find his dad pretty bad off, after squaring away his dad's bill, he took the keys from his old man then helped him out the bar. His dad was never loud when he was drunk, he had always been quiet, always keeping any close guarded secrets to himself. He was barely able to walk and just let Dean drag him to the Impala, Dean knew they could pick up the truck in the morning. It was going onto 3:00 am, Dean knew his dad would realize when they got home that Sam was gone. He was afraid he would blame Dean for not looking out for his little brother.

After the short ride home, Dean was able to manage his father up the stairs and into their apartment. All the lights were off when they went in, and Dean flipped a few on while walking his father to his bedroom. Just as they came to the boys room, his dad came to a complete stop. Dean wasn't surprised, he just stopped, leaned his dad against the wall then went over and turned on the boys bedroom light and swung the door wide open. Letting his father see it was empty, then quietly he walked back to his dad and helped him to his bed.

The moment, Dean had set his father on the bed, John started crying. The only person who ever saw John cry was Dean, he remembered it so much from when they were little. The night of the fire, the first few weeks after his mom died, and on occasions when he had just had too much. This still never tainted Dean's vision of his hero, he still believed that his father was the strongest person on this earth. Dean helped him silently to remove his boots and socks then pulled back his covers and settled his dad into bed. After pulling up his covers, he sat on the side of his bed just looking at his father.

"He's gone isn't he." it wasn't a question, it was a statement.

Dean just nodded his head, "Yeah, I took him to the bus stop awhile ago, made sure he had some money and some weapons with him. I'm gonna head out there next week and check up on him." Dean just laid his hand on his fathers and waited, for the realization of what he told him to sink in.

"He's so vulnerable now, no one to protect him, I tried so hard to keep you boys safe, I failed, been a miserable father, I just want him back." the tears were slowing down but a few still escaped, John just kept looking up to the ceiling. Dean knew that when his father was like this he wasn't really talking to Dean, he knew he was talking to his mom, Mary. It was his dad's way of dealing with his problems, he would always sit with him till he dozed off.

"He's older now dad, we just gotta hope that everything we taught him will protect him, he has to do this, he deserves a better life. He wouldn't have stayed no matter what we did, you know Sammy." with this his father just sighed, "Yeah I know Sammy."

He then closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, Dean stood up and knelt down to his father and kissed him on the forehead, then bent down and pulled the trash can to the side of his bed. This was a long standing tradition in the Winchester household, so the clean up after the binge wouldn't be so bad. He then went off to his room and took of his shoes, socks, stripped off his jeans and was just down to his boxers and t-shirt then climbed into Sam's bed. He had to be as close to Sam as he could, this was the only way he knew how. The pillow was still wet from Sam's tears, Dean just ran his hand over it, then lost it and cried himself to sleep into his brothers pillow.

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**Ok so let me know what ya think, I just wrote this last night and already half way done with chapter 2, plan on this one being a little long, and hopefully if have good reviews, will get it out pretty quick (without loss of quality to the story)**

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok all sorry for taking so long getting this out, but got sick and ended up in the hospital for awhile. And once I got back, new meds kind of had me loopy for awhile adjusting so any train of thoughts were way out of left field.**

**Also had some major writers block, but figured I could at least get out this half of chapter 2 I had sitting on desktop for so long. Anyway I will be working on the rest sorry to leave hanging where I did but I am having troubles deciding how I want to get the next part going. The format for the words and all, anyway here is chapter 2 sorry so short, but wanted yall to know I didn't forget.**

**CHAPTER 2**

Over the next few weeks, Sam had spent his time getting his classes squared away and moving into his new dorm room. He hadn't had a dorm mate yet and was thankful, he didn't know how to explain off the salt. Dean had arrived the week after and brought with him an ancient book of runes, black light and invisible paint, he had spent a small fortune for it on the black market but Sammy was worth it.

He and Sam had stayed up all night painting protection runes over the doors and windows, and all around Sam's bed. He also brought Sam a few more bags of salt, and had a talk with the Resident advisor about watching out for his brother, leaving his dad's and his numbers in case of emergency. Sam was sure Dean also paid him some money to keep an eye out for him.

Dean had made it a point to go and meet all of Sam's professors and check out the campus while he was there. He then insisted Sam go with him to the campus and local library and look up the local history for signs of the paranormal. It was pretty mundane stuff, Dean figured he would take care of a few of the cases each time he came back to check on Sam.

Sam was secretly excited about this because it meant that his brother would come back. But then he was worried if he came too much than Sam really wasn't getting away from the problem. Life was going on and Sam was settling into it, Dean's visits were coming fewer and farther between, his dad had started Dean full on into hunting. Now that Sam didn't need to be looked after, he could make Dean his full-time soldier.

Dean didn't know how to tell his dad, that he didn't want to take on so many cases, he was also being sent onto a few cases of his own. He felt great about that, but at the same time wasn't able to see Sam as much. But his dad promised to go by and check on his brother too, (even though Sam never knew, he would just watch from outside his dorm room) so this was leaving fewer excuses and reasons to go to Stanford.

This wouldn't have been the worst of it, if it hadn't also been for Sam's attitude. Sam had emerged himself fully into the college life. Attending seminars, going to a few parties, never to get drunk, after all Sam was a major lightweight.

He had tons of friends, this made Dean really nervous and jealous, he always felt like the more people were in their lives the more vulnerable they were to attacks. As time went on, when Dean came to visit Sam, he could barely catch him and always had to track him down.

One day when he went to track him down, he saw Sam sitting with a beautiful blonde girl, she was sweet looking and definitely looked way out of Sam's league, Dean thought so anyway. He saw how happy Sam was and couldn't bring himself to break up the party, so he left.

Sam had only been at school for about two years, and that was when the visits stopped altogether. Sam kept trying to rationalize them away, but it hurt too much. Dean had been harder and harder to reach by phone as well. He would usually leave messages, only for Dean to leave a message back when he knew that Sam would be in class and have his phone off.

Dean had realized with how much their father was keeping him busy and how Sam was so happy in his new life that he didn't need Dean around anymore. Dean of course would never stop checking up on him, but he wouldn't go see him either.

Sam had tried to make it work with Jessica, he didn't love, her not in the way she deserved. Funny, Sam thought to himself, how he was really in love with his brother, but staying in a false relationship with a girl who felt like a sister. Irony was a bitch sometimes, but he did everything he could to make Jessica happy.

After two years he decided to ask her to marry him, this seemed like the next course for their relationship. Sam didn't really want to, but he had learned all his life how to live with lies and he could do this one too. He put all his heart into being everything he believed Jess deserved to have, he wouldn't make her suffer for his sick twisted self. After all that was what Sam was good at, showing his emotions.

Things were doing good, Sam still felt pain and he would think of his brother each and every day, but did his best to go on.

**Sam - 22 yo**

It had been four years since Sam had left for Stanford. He hadn't seen his brother for the last two years, hadn't spoken to him either. The phone messages back and forth had stopped a year ago.

Sam knew his brother was still alive, he would constantly find fresh salt lines in his and Jess's apartment. There would be new money stashed in his underwear drawer, along with replenished bags of salt in his closet.

Jess had started questioning this, so Sam had explained that his family was very superstitious, and that this was Dean's way of keeping him safe. Jess just couldn't seem to understand why the brothers wouldn't just sit down and talk. It was obvious how close they were by the way Sam had always spoke of him, and how Dean made it a point to keep taking care of Sam, even if they were mad at each other.

She seemed hesitant about having someone keep breaking into their apartment, but had accepted it, when she saw the look on Sam's face. He would tell her every few weeks when Dean was here, but she seemed to start picking up on it herself.

She just wished she could meet him. She knew Sam missed his brother and that there was a falling out at home, but he never gave the details. It often made Sam sad, but when he would see the fresh supplies, it seemed to lift his spirit for days. He would say that it meant his brother was ok, and he could at least live with that, knowing he was still checking up on him.

Sam had been nervous for weeks now getting ready for this interview. He wanted to finish off his college career at Stanford. He had done his pre-law there and now couldn't think of anywhere else he would rather go for his law degree. It would mean his entire future, he just couldn't blow this interview, then the nightmares started.

It had been awhile since he was having bad dreams. They had calmed down significantly since he moved to California, just the occasional bad dream here and there. But for three nights in a row he kept having the same dream, followed by an intense headache and wave of nausea when he awoke.

He kept seeing Jess, pinned above him to the ceiling, she would be trying to call out, but no sound came from her. Then would see blood form on the front of her night gown and dripping, after she would burst into flames.

Each time he woke in a major panic with his bed cloths covered in sweat. He felt bad about these dreams, but he didn't want to worry Jess, so he kept them to himself. She loved him so much, and he hated to have her worry. Especially since he knew it was most likely due to stress from the upcoming interview and their future together. So he would get dressed and head out to classes as usual.

Night of Halloween, his friends invited them to a party, he reluctantly went. He had never really celebrated Halloween, they saw enough monsters in their life. Besides going out on Halloween just kept reminding him of Dean. And he didn't need reminding of the fact that he was away from the one and only person he truly loved.

But he finally relented to his friends to go, on the condition he didn't have to wear a costume. This was also a celebration over the fact that Sam had excellent LSAT scores, he would go and spend time with his friends.

But deep down he was sad with an intense pain, still missing his big brother as much as he did, it would have been nice if he could be celebrating this with Dean.

Later that night, Sam and Jess were asleep when Sam heard a crash in the other room. He got up hearing creaking of the floor boards and noticed a shadow walking through their apartment. Sam reached out and grabbed the intruder who was definately skilled in some combat training. After a brief struggle Sam was on his back looking up at the intruder only to see Dean grinning back at him. This was definitely a shock, he knew Dean had come to leave things for him, but this had been the first time he had seen him in awhile.

**TBC, R&R's appreciated, no flames you don't like don't read. But constructive criticism is appreciated. If I am making too many errors please kindly let me know. Also remember this still is my very first fanfic, so be patient. And thanks again to all who have read, I will try and go back and personnally thank those who have left comments in the past.**


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